Winter warms the heart

October tends to be one of my favorite months. Leaving hot summers behind and welcoming the cool fresh air every one is in a good mood. 

One day during this beautiful month, my friend Karina and I had been at the mall. We saw a movie, shopped a little, and had begun our journey home discussing the days events. I noticed my gas tank was almost empty so I decided pull over and fill it up. As I was filling up I noticed my phone light up and decided to check it. It was a Facebook notification from GUESS WHO… J. 

Instantly back to where I was 10 months before I found myself dying to know what he said but instead I calmly hopped back in my car and handed the phone to Karina.

"Look," I said, "He finally had the balls to message me.."

She took the phone and asked me if I wanted her to open it. Not sure what was best all I could do was nod my head. She clicked and opened it.. "Oh no…" escaped Karina's lips. I couldn't help but snatch the phone from her and read it for myself.

Hi.

That was it…. I hadn't heard from this ass for over 10 months and all I get is Hi! I exited from the message and resumed our music as I began to pull away from the gas station.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Karina asked, being a wonderful friend knowing I was trying to hold in tears.

"I haven't heard from him in so long and he just says Hi? I don't know how to even respond to him…" I said as a tear fell. I was broken. With his little message that conveyed no sense of emotion I felt abused. I had trusted him with everything before we even met.. every little secret, personal joke, passion, and interest of mine and Hi was all he could say? No I am sorry for being an ass nothing just hi. I took Karina home and told her I would see her in class the next day and she told me to drive safe and tell her everything tomorrow. I drove home quickly trying to forget the message that was sitting in my inbox but when I pulled in the drive way I had made up my mind. It didn't matter what had been, I was going to be the cold hearted bitch he had made me become. 

Hey. - Me

How are you - J

Fine - Me

You don't seem fine. - J

Yeah you would know how I am huh. - Me

I feel like an ass… - J

Well you haven't given me much to argue against that with now have you? - Me

text me - J

Bite me - Me

... -J

And I left it at that. I signed off of Facebook and went to my room with phone in hand swallowing hard to keep my throat from closing. I flung myself onto the bed and cried. I hated the way I felt, hearing from him and being mean. I didn't know why he hadn't been talk to me and I had been so cold.. I was reconsidering his demand to text him when my phone lit up with a message from him 

"I have been in a lot of trouble at home and stuff I am sorry  I wasn't there for you." -J

I didn't know how to reply or what to do and I couldn't help but forgive him. I loved him but I would never let him know that. I wanted things to be back to the way they were. So we began talking again and I had decided we could be friends.

2 months go by with some communication between us. J had told me he thought things between us were not real and that I "was like that with everyone." I had no way to prove him wrong so I let him believe what he wanted.

December rolls around and I had begun hanging out with D. He was not my type but little things about him reminded me of J. The taste of smoke on his breath, his arms around me, and the way he would shyly smile at me, I was hooked on him like a drug trying to make up for what I couldn't have. 

I was at his house and we had an argument and we were sitting out in his garage while him and his friend drank.. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to be home thinking about J. Then my phone lit up

I am an hour from Houston. - J

My heart exploded, I ran out on D. and didn't look back. I wanted to be with J. I called him and told him I had till 12 and it was already 11:30. My heart sank at the fact that I would have to be home before he arrived. 

I made my mind up that seeing him was a priority, grounded or not it would be worth it. I just wanted to see him again, smiling and hear him talking to me, looking at me with his big brown eyes. I went home and got ready to sneak out, waiting for a message saying he was close to my house. I decided the only way I was going to get out was if I left before he got there so I walked out making sure to leave my window unlocked for emergency entrance. I waited by the curb and kept telling myself we were just friends. Then I saw his headlights and I kept screaming just friends in my head and then he came to a stop in front of me. I reached out to open the door and just as my hand touched the door handle all self control flew out of me and I pulled myself up into the truck stretching across the bench to kiss him. Stunned he froze and then kissed me in return holding my lips to his. I pulled away smiling and sat down closing the door and buckling myself in. He was stunned, smiling, and shifted the truck into drive, I can't deny that I had that effect on him made me happy. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop smiling, then we pulled over at an elementary school and we went out on the play ground and were snuggled up together talking. He said something really quiet and I couldn't hear him but as I was looking up at the stars I whispered "I think I love you.." there was no response and I honestly didn't mind. I had said my peace and was happy he knew. He kissed me after the silence. I was happy so so happy. We decided it was too cold and got back in the truck in the back seat and began making out.. next thing I know there are red and blue lights shinning. PANIC ATTACK! We both hop up and slowly get out to talk to the amazingly sweet officer who let us leave ticket free! (THANK GOD). He was leaving the next morning for Florida and I was sad I had to go home. But he took me home and well there was my mom.. at 4 a.m. waiting on me.. I kissed him goodbye and hopped out. My mom and I walked into the house and before she could say a word all I said was "Mom, I love him.. yell at me all you want but it won't make me regret a thing that happened tonight." And all she said was "Go to bed" that was it. She understood and believed me, J is the only guy I think was ever worth any of that while I was in high school. The next night he called me and I asked him why he didn't say anything after I said I loved him, he explained he had said he loved me first and thought I was saying it in response to him.. making it a million times more meaningful.  He called me every night and I fell harder for him every time I fell asleep after our late night chats.