Do you ever find yourself wondering what you are living for?
What is the point in this life? What are you suppose to do to make the most of it?
I found myself thinking a lot today.. just about what happened between J and I, it makes me sad and reading a beautiful disaster isn't helping AT ALL. Because through this book i have realized J was it when I am with someone else I don't feel that burst of excitement I use to. He damaged me when he told me he thought I acted that way with everyone.. because whenever I find someone I am interested in I find myself critiquing to see if I am. Do I smile the same? Feel a rush at the smallest touch? Crave a kiss? Inhale the scent of a long strong hug? The answer is no.. Sure in the moment I enjoy and flirt with the company, but in the end I compare. Compare to what was perfect for me, compare to what doesn't want me, compare to what thought I wasn't good enough. It is the human condition, we want what we can't have. I don't care who you are or what you think YOU ALWAYS WANT WHAT YOU DONT HAVE. I dyed my hair thinking I would have some peace of mind that if I did see him on campus he wouldn't see me, but since TFIOS (The Fault In Our Stars) I seem to project him everywhere from my mind, driving down the road he is in the denali behind me, walking to class he is the guy with his head down reading, at dinner he is the guy with his back to me entertaining a bunch of girls across the room. I thikn it is because in the TFIOS I saw him as Augustus, *SPOILER ALERT* throughout the book I saw augustus as James, but when he died at the end I realized the attitude I had about J was so untrue. I was literally crying my eyes out not because a wonderful character had died but because to me it was J. I had been telling myself he was dead to me, I would never let him back in but the truth is I would be devastated if anything bad ever happened to him. I guess that is what love is, the ability to care even when you aren't cared for. Of course it is heart breaking, to be in love but not loved in return, but I remind myself I don't need him. How can two things come together if only one is willing? Venting about it seems to relieve some of the pressure in my chest. I think no matter how strong I try to be I will always love him but I won't forget what he put me threw. There are plenty of others out there and I am not going to let him ruin my chance at happiness.
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