So while J was in town we spent every day together, it was beautiful for lack of a better word. It was like I was the star of my own movie, the girl who finds Mr. Right and everything was perfect. But with the stardust in my eyes I forgot that in every movie there is conflict. My conflict came when Mr Right was leaving to go on a cruise so wanting desperately to over come the new found obstacle in my way I made a decision I would never have made if I wasn't 100% sure on how I felt.
Since you don't know me I am OBSESSED with my car. It is my baby and up to this point I wouldn't risk it for the world.
I snuck out, driving my car 20-30 minutes away from my house (which is kind of far when you are from a big city and are use to having everything be 5 minutes away). I wanted to spend every last moment I could with him since my obstacle wasn't going away. I parked away from the house he was staying in so my car wouldn't give me away and ran to the house since it was freezing outside. I flew up the side stairs reminding myself to take in every moment, I wanted to remember every last kiss. We were together for hours kissing and talking wrapped up in his bed trying to stay warm. I cried when I had to leave we were both afraid someone would wake up so he hugged me tight for one last time promising me we would find a way and I dashed out the door back into the cold world leaving behind something I desperately wanted to keep. Flying it seemed through a thick mist that had fallen as the morning grew old. I got back home safely climbed up onto my roof and in my room got in bed shivering again from the cold letting his words sink in "We will find our way through this" as I fell asleep.
I dreamed of him that night, we were older in college it seemed, we sat in the grass he was holding my hand with one of his smiling at me warmly sending chills through me he kissed my cheek and whispered "I told you we would make it through all of that mess". I smiled back and responded with "Yes you did," kissing him lightly on the lips.
I awoke the next day to my own hell. I had no communication from him because he was on his cruise with no cell service. Life was back to normal and I was so bored. How was I suppose to survive this drop? Going from the fairy tale to reality was not something I planned to take without a fight. I read. Anything and everything, I found every book that even hinted at romance and read it. I tried to sustain myself on air, it was in a way distracting but I counted down the days till he would return he had said I would see him the day he got back before he drove back to his hometown. Which ironically was my birthday. I had a legitimate reason to count down the days but this year in particular I seemed a little more anxious about it coming already.
It finally was here my birthday! J would be back and I would hopefully be getting those birthday kisses. I went downstairs to see my family and talk to them as they told me happy birthday but couldn't help but anxiously wait for some word from J. I opened gifts and received calls for what seemed like an eternity without a single form of communication from J I wanted to die, the anticipation was literally killing me.
Finally at 3:23 I get a message saying
"Happy Birthday" - J
Happy Birthday? Are you kidding me!? I wait for a lifetime to hear from you and all I get is a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!?
"Thank you :) Will I be seeing you today?" -me
Dear god say no and I may die from heart failure!
"No.. We are leaving straight from Galveston.. Dad doesn't want to stop I am sorry." -J
Like I said heart failure. I cried till my eyes were puffy beyond repair. But I refused to show it.
"Ok have a safe drive" -me
"Will do" -J
I don't know about you lovely ladies and gents out there but that kills me, a short message when there is clearly so much more to be said! How am I suppose to bring up the fact that I am devastated if all you say is "Will do".
I continued crying for god knows how long and continued on with my life hoping some amazing movie like situation would present its self to me so he and I could at least speak. Days seemed like years without a single word from him and I committed myself to moving on. I wanted to talk to him but he made it more than clear he didn't want to talk to me which as a little high school student I didn't see as a red flag. I just assumed he wanted space or was to busy for me. So one night out in a sad desperate state I prayed. I was begging for something to show me what to do to either heal and let go or peruse and obtain. And boom like I have my own little phone line to God a miracle happens, my friend Kylie invites me on a road trip with her to J's state! Out of sheer joy I inform J of my chance to come see him and he seems neutral on the subject. Once again devastated, I tell my friend I couldn't handle being there if I wasn't going to see him and again moved on with my life.
10 months later, I had a wonderful boyfriend who would move heaven and earth to make me happy. He was handsome, athletic, funny, smart, and all my friends loved him. I loved him.. but not the way he loved me. I loved that he distracted me from pain, that he held me when I cried and he didn't ask why, that my friends loved him and they loved us together, but I didn't love him the way he deserved. One day when I couldn't keep it together I told him everything (BIG MISTAKE). He cried with me this time and we just laid there wrapped up together crying because I had to explain to him that I wasn't in love. And that is when it hit me J was like the mist I had seen the morning I drove home after seeing him, there when you go to sleep and gone when you wake. My boyfriend knew I was still stuck on J. To this day still is extremely close to me and he still loves me the way he did the day I crushed his heart because I am his J, I am the one that got away. Because lets face it… we all want what we can not have and rejection makes us curious. We search desperately for a reason why we aren't good enough and we want to know what is. But little did I know my life was about to be turned upside down all over again because as easily as the morning fog departs it returns.
to be continued….
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